A bit dispirited

Once again been brought face to face with my failings as a theorist, a writer, a publisher, in some senses even as a human being. Just had another really solid reminder that I don’t fit here, in any sense – or even in any ‘here’, it seems.

After yet another farrago for my would-be publishing, where the planned launch for the new book Disciplines of Dowsing at the British Society of Dowsers congress didn’t actually happen – everyone involved just kind of forgot, I guess – I’ve been taking stock of the actual results of my Tetradian Books venture, and together with that, the whole of the last couple of years’ work and being. Not exactly inspiring, really.

Some examples:

  • Total sales at Megalithomania, back in May, where we supposedly launched the new edition of Needles of Stone: eight books (of which only four were the new book); total income, perhaps £70 at best; total cost to go there, a bit more than £300; overall loss, around £250 or so.
  • Total sales at BSD congress, this weekend: eleven books retail, plus perhaps 20 wholesale; total income, perhaps £250 at best; total cost to go there, about £350; overall loss, around £100 or so.
  • Total online sales of all six titles since May: 67 books; total income, somewhat under £500; total setup cost, somewhat over £1100; overall loss to date, around £650 or so.

So the effective financial result of six months’ flat-out full-time work since March, when the first title went off to press, is that I’ve wasted yet another thousand quid or thereabouts. That’s not including any of the frightening costs of living in this obscenely expensive country, either. Not exactly pension-fund material, shall we say.

In terms of impact, towards creating constructive change anywhere, all my efforts have fared just about as well as my finances. Precisely one (count ’em – one) person in this benighted country has come close to a real understanding what I’m trying to do in enterprise architecture. If I’m lucky, the best I get from most people in ‘the trade’ is stares of blank incomprehension; if I’m less lucky – which has happened quite often here in Britain – I get a full-in-the face denigration not just of my work but myself as a person, for the unacceptable sin of ‘thinking different’. Not far off the same with most of the dowsers, and the rest of the pointless, pathetically self-obsessed ‘alternative’ scene: it’s painfully clear that most want to cling onto their delusory newage just as long as they can, and have no wish or intention to face any form of reality. Which, in turn, is equally true of the IT industry – utterly lost in their own self-important delusions, wasting everyone’s time, money and everything else, selling dreams that they know damn well they can’t deliver. Same is true, in fact, of pretty much everything else I’ve looked at professionally over the past decade – just don’t get me started on the failings and outright fraud of the domestic-violence ‘industry’, for example…

And I must admit I’m utterly sick of it all. I’ve been struggling too long, too hard, in too many areas and contexts, trying to get anyone to think, to see how ludicrously stupid so many – almost all? – of the usual approaches and models and frameworks really are, and that we really must do better, really, really urgently…

But I have to accept it ain’t going nowhere. Pretty much no-one is interested in what I do or what I say; and certainly no-one here is willing to pay for it. So in practice I’m back at being the Outsider again: as far as this society and culture and milieu is concerned, it seems, I have no societal function, no purpose, no role to play, and no place anywhere within it, in pretty much any sense of the word. Hence, unsurprisingly, no support either. And the endless loneliness out here on the Outsider edge hurts like hell: it always has, always does.

Quite where that leaves me, right now, I don’t know. Somewhere not exactly pleasant, that’s clear. Some painful choices up ahead, that’s also clear.

So yeah, a bit dispirited at present.

Oh well.

4 Comments on “A bit dispirited

  1. ‘The wyrd passes through everything, everyone, everywhere, everywhen; so anyone and anything can be an ally in helping us find our own power and our own choices. If we let them be so, that is, and if we can understand and accept what they show us…’ TG Wyrd Allies (1996)

    Some midnight musings from Down Under offered in the spirit of wyldness…

    Moving from the edge of ‘outsideness’ takes some reaching out and being okay about shedding one’s outsider identity.

    What would it feel like to embrace another identity? What would it look like? What will be lost and grieved in letting go of the outsider to make space for a self connected with wyrd allies?

    Is it possible to make other people think the way we do, or want them to, and be in authentic relationship with each other?

    Wicked questions, eh?

  2. “Pretty much no-one is interested in what I do or what I say” – not true!
    “and certainly no-one here is willing to pay for it” -apply a charge for PDF downloads – just £1 per PDF would soon mount up.
    Don’t let the general credit-crunch depression get to you.

  3. Tom,

    I can only agree with Martin (the idea of applying a small charge for PDF downloads is excellent!).

    I encountered your ideas through Lionel Snell when WebOrama/occultebooks was launched years ago. As you know, your books and ideas have been my constant companions ever since.

    Warm hugs,

  4. Hi Martin, Joakim
    – thanks, and yes, you -are- right about setting up a minimal charge for downloads, though the practicalities and costs of actually setting it up and getting it working and the rest would far outweigh any likely earnings (I’ve done the sums on this… 🙁 ). What I’ll probably do instead is set up a simple PayPal-donation link.

    Apologies for the descent into rather pointless poor-me-ism! -Somehow- I survive, though I never quite know how! 🙂 I’ll admit the sense of isolation does get me down from time to time, but it’s by no means as bad in reality as I sometimes wail. Others have it a lot worse, I do know that.

    In any case (to quote a much-loved colleague who sadly is no longer with us), “Thank you for your support – I will wear it always!” 🙂

    Best etc
    – tom g

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